I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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