from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
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The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
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How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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