Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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