I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
