Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
