Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize