It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
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we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
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