Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I can't put those talents on a resume
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
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