Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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