I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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