if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
