the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
