Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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