this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
