apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
