Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
