Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
