Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
