We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
