If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
