Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
