you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
