I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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