and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
