My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
