They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
