there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
