What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
