The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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