between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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