I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then my night got REAL pukey
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Drunk is not a location!
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize