a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Randomize
