Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
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Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
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I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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