i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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