i was born a porn star she said
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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