Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
