so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
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Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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