Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
sarcasm needs its own font
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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