Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You pole danced in your parka.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize