Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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