Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
