Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
