i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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