It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
