call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
