i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
