Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Randomize
