When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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