Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
FUCK WHALES
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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