omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
