mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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