Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
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