I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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