How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
