he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
