just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
What happened to fro yo and sex?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
