I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
