Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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